# Alex Panama
> Former primary school teacher turned content creator, learning designer and hobbyist game developer. 
Public Ghost content for AI and LLM tooling. This file includes a bounded export of public pages first, then recent public posts.
Append `.md` to any post or page URL to get the content in Markdown (for example, `/example-post.md`).
## Pages
### Career change course
URL: https://alexpanama.com/leaving-teaching/
Last updated: 2026-08-30T14:48:55.000Z
Beyond Teaching is my short course to help teachers make the jump from teaching into a career they love and they find truly rewarding. 

Modules are being released one at a time, completely free.

---

## Current modules

### Reflecting on the why

Understanding why you want to leave, how that feels and how to move forward.

[View lesson 1](https://alexpanama.com/reflecting-on-the-why/)

### Your transferrable skills

Think you don't have what it takes to change careers? Wrong: you do.

[View lesson 2](https://alexpanama.com/identifying-your-transferable-skills/)

###
### Welcome
URL: https://alexpanama.com/home/
Last updated: 2026-04-30T13:05:42.000Z
I’m Alex, a former primary school teacher turned content creator, learning designer and hobbyist game developer. My passion is helping people grow, creating engaging experiences and bringing ideas to life.

I’ve spent years designing lessons, crafting content and building communities. Now I’m on a mission to combine those skills with my love for creativity and problem-solving. Whether it’s through designing impactful learning experiences, engaging digital content, making music or creating games, I enjoy connecting with others and building meaningful things.

[Start my career change course](https://alexpanama.com/leaving-teaching/)

You can also read all my articles on education, philosophy, motivation and more over on [Medium](https://medium.com/@apanama?ref=alexpanama.com).
### Contact
URL: https://alexpanama.com/contact/
Last updated: 2025-02-05T16:16:30.000Z
Connect with me on [Linkedin](https://linkedin.com/in/alex-panama?ref=alexpanama.com)
### Game development
URL: https://alexpanama.com/game-development/
Last updated: 2026-08-30T14:44:33.000Z
Here’s what I’m working on for fun.

![](https://alexpanama.com/content/images/2026/04/Screenshot-2026-04-05-at-16.59.06.png)

## The Legend of Bingus

Released February 2026, I made this game over 18 months after teaching myself Godot/GDScript.

Guide Bingus on his adventure to stop the evil Orzak The Almighty from taking over the galaxy. 

Featuring:

- featuring five levels, including the open-ended Midnight Manor (pictured above)
- a full original soundtrack composed by me
- hard to reach collectables to test your skills
- hidden bonus areas

[Play on itch.io](https://octobersgames.itch.io/the-legend-of-bingus?ref=alexpanama.com)

## Soundtrack

[The Legend of Bingus: Original Soundtrack by Octobers Games](https://octobersgames.bandcamp.com/album/the-legend-of-bingus-original-soundtrack?ref=alexpanama.com) 

#### Update 1.2 (29.03.26)

****New features** ✨

****New level: Midnight Manor**

- Explore the largest level yet: bigger than the original 4 levels combined! Featuring open-ended progression (choose the order you complete challenges), secrets and more.
- Midnight Manor’s bonus gem is obtained by breaking the curse and bringing daylight back to the realm. Once the sun’s out, seek out Wuboze on top of the western tower.

****Expanded finale**

Significantly updated the Orzak encounter:

- Split the encounter into two separate phases and adjusted abilities in both.
- Added Phase 1 intermission escape sequence. This level now has collectibles.

****Improved movement**

- Bingus can jump at different heights. Tap jump for a small one, or hold it for the original full height he previously had.
- Bingus now has a short grace period when leaving a platform to execute a double-jump combo (coyote time).

****Get a better view!**

- The camera on most levels has been adjusted to give an additional 20% extra viewing space. Take in all the details and never miss a secret again.
- Want a closer look? Press the right shoulder button (or shift on PC) to zoom in.

****New save system**

- The save/load system has been rebuilt to future proof the game when new levels and features are added.
- This means saves can’t be brought over from 1.1\. Sorry! But you should be safe for future versions.

****Fixes and tweaks** 🛠️

- Orzak’s Oubliette has had a glowup.
- Fixed a crash if you loaded an old save that was missing progress data from a level added in a newer version of the game.
- You can now jump onto most floating platforms from directly below them.
- Fixed an issue where Bingus would not get temporary invincibility on respawn.
- Roboticount has noticed there are more red coins in the world. Seizing the opportunity, he’s now slightly more demanding.
- Remade the bonus level in Frosty Fortress.
- Tweaked the bonus level in Orzak’s Oubliette to make it easier.
### About me
URL: https://alexpanama.com/about-me/
Last updated: 2026-08-30T14:55:47.000Z
![](https://alexpanama.com/content/images/2026/08/IMG_1549.jpeg)

I’m Alex, a former primary school teacher turned content creator, learning designer and hobbyist game developer. 

My journey started in the classroom in 2014, where I created engaging lessons and helped students grow.

After ten years, I realised teaching wasn't for me and that my passion for creativity, problem-solving and shaping online experiences could take me further.

Now I focus on designing impactful content that inspires and educates, crafting unique digital experiences and exploring game development as a hobby. I love making complex topics engaging, simple and accessible, whether that's through writing, interactive content or game mechanics.

## What I do

- **Learning design and content creation** – I create engaging, accessible learning experiences that make a difference.
- **Game development** – I’m building small, creative projects in Godot to explore storytelling and interactive design.

## Qualifications

- PGCE Primary Education (with QTS)
- BA Music Composition for Film and Media

## Achievements

- ABRSM Grade 3 Piano

## What’s next

I’m always looking for new ways to combine my skills in learning, content and creativity. 

If you’d like to connect, collaborate, or just chat, feel free to [contact me](https://alexpanama.com/contact/).
## Posts
### The space between
URL: https://alexpanama.com/the-space-between/
Last updated: 2026-08-13T13:09:57.000Z
For the first time since 2019, I left the country. I got on a plane and went to Norway.

My visit put a lot of things into perspective. Who I am, what I want, where I want it all to happen, and when.

![An image taken from the passenger seat of a car. There is a long road stretching into the distance, with hills and a large lake to the side. The sky is clear and blue.](https://alexpanama.com/content/images/2026/08/IMG_1726.jpeg)

The car ride from the airport.

Even the journey back from the airport was lovely. You're hit with sprawling hills, woodland and lakes. 

There's a certain stillness to it. The roads are smooth, the air feels clean. Everything is spaced far apart. There is room for everything to exist.

![An image of a motorway in Norway. There's a lake and a setting sun in the background.](https://alexpanama.com/content/images/2026/08/IMG_1730-2.jpeg)

It's hard not to take a photo and be amazed at how beautiful it is. I guess when you live somewhere this nice your entire life, you see it as the default. 

Does the UK have gorgeous places like this? Of course it does. They're always busy, but I love that I live moments away from the sea. Having instant access to that is a blessing.

## Slower pace, plenty of space

I stayed in a small town of barely 10,000 for my trip. 

Isn't that crazy? Brighton has nearly 300,000\. London has 9 million versus Oslo's 700,000\. You can feel the impact of this everywhere you go.

When we went to the grocery store, I braced for a loud, busy and hellish experience like my weekly adventures to the local Tesco. You know the usual: people everywhere, stock cages blocking the aisles, people having 30 minute catch ups in front of that one shelf with the thing you wanted.

Instead, we walk in and there are only 10 other people there. I counted, trust me. 

That was the busiest I ever saw it.

## Space changes how we feel

It's not until you visit a place like this that you realise how compressed you feel. How your mind and body are always under pressure, even when you don't realise it.

The fact everything is so far apart, with less people, changes the way you behave. It's all about the spaces between the things. A little like those moments after you breathe in, just before you breathe back out.

Intentional pauses.

You feel less in a rush to get everything done, because everyone else is taking it easy as well. That kind of more relaxed vibe hits you very quickly and you get swept into it like a gentle current. 

Not imposing, not demanding, just a welcome push into a slower way of doing things.

I feel this at home too. When I clean my flat, there's a feeling of stillness you get from restoring order. A messy room or dirty kitchen, I see and feel that chaos and it changes how I act. I never realised it until recently.

## The question

Visiting Norway hit something in my mind somewhere. It showed me an alternative to the life I had accepted as normal.

But after Norway, I'm asking myself a new question: what kind of life do I really want?

I used to think I wanted huge successes, a busy London life and to be seen as successful. I based my whole life around what others wanted of me. That's until recently, where I rediscovered parts of myself and embraced [being ordinary](https://alexpanama.com/on-being-ordinary/).

But the fact I not only physically braced for impact as the plane landed back in Gatwick, but also mentally, told me a lot about what I really want deep down.

I want an amazing life, who doesn't? But amazing doesn't have to be bright lights and 7 figure salaries (although that would be nice).

An amazing life to me is a life well lived by my own rules. To me, that's space to breathe, a moment to pause, and time spent with people I care about.

Also being surrounded by a large quantities of trees, apparently.
### On being ordinary
URL: https://alexpanama.com/on-being-ordinary/
Last updated: 2026-08-01T14:06:07.000Z
For the longest time, I wasted my life striving for greatness.

I bought all the books. You know, the ones that tell you how by waking up at 5am you can achieve success, become the best version of yourself possible and get everything you’ve ever wanted. Funny how that’s achievable just by downloading a Notion template, but who am I to judge?

I consumed productivity content like it was a drug. Ali Abdall teaching me how to organise my life, Steven Bartlett with guests telling me to do XYZ and then I’ll solve all my problems. I read all the right books and watched all the right videos.

So why did I still feel no happier than before?

Even as a child, success was burned into my brain:

> Apply for university! But make sure you pick the right course.  
>  
> Clean the bathroom! But miss a single spec of dirt and you clean it all over again.  
>  
> You want to be a musician? There’s no money in that. Why don’t you become a teacher instead?

I listened to everyone else. It was like was a Choose Your Own Adventure book, and everyone else was making the choices for me. As a result, I was miserable. I had sold off every part of myself to fit the mould of what others expected of me.

The worst part was that I wasn’t even aware that it was happening.

## Small-town thinking

I grew up in Eastbourne, a small, white-majority seaside town in the 1990s.

Back then, multiculturalism was still in its early stages and being different was a target on your back. I could count on one hand how many non-white people were in my school.

It didn’t help that I had weird interests. When my “friends” were getting into girls and lads mags, I was playing Final Fantasy and listening to Nine Inch Nails. Tame interests by today’s standards, but not only was I different visually, I was also different culturally.

I didn’t fit in. And the bullying, ostracising and the way I was treated every day left a huge impact on me.

I did everything I could to pass off as “white”: I had a posh southern accent, I tried to like the things they liked. I told myself it was the right thing to do.

I betrayed my heritage, and myself, so that nobody would pick on me again.

So when the time came to decide what my adult life would look like, I did what everyone told me to do. I was so scared of being perceived as “too different”.

## Systems, solutions and momentum

I spent so long basing my self worth on these systems.

I stopped loving teaching years before I finally quit. I was depressed. The issue was that I felt people respected me more when I said the words “I’m a teacher”. Such a noble, selfless profession, they’d tell me (in my head).

I almost stuck with it because I was terrified of how I’d be seen by everyone else if I just had a “normal” job. I was living a life I thought others wanted me to live in the hopes I’d be accepted. I had to stand out in the right way, not like when I was a kid.

Over time I put elements of me into little storage boxes, mentally and physically.

I put my signed copy of Final Fantasy 9 in a box in the cupboard. No self respecting man in his thirties likes things like that! What are you, a child?

Men in their thirties have productive hobbies, like bouldering and being a “plant dad 🪴” (vomit). Things you can see the results of!

I even forced myself to buy an espresso machine and coffee grinder because I figured that’s the kind of hobby I’m supposed to enjoy. There was only so many James Hoffman videos I could stomach before I began questioning my life choices and sold the gear off.

## Giving up on your dreams

![A photo showing a black digital piano with a piece of grade 5 sheet music on the stand.](https://alexpanama.com/content/images/2026/08/IMG_0873.jpeg)

I’ve always had a digital piano in my room since I was a teenager. It slowly became part of my identity. Making video game music was my passion, my thing.

But as I grew up, I made music less and less.

In 2024, I looked over at my Yamaha classical digital piano. This big blocky thing had followed me around since 2016\. Every place I’ve moved into, I’ve hauled it along with me. But for most of the time I never touched it.

I kept it around because I felt like I had to. Piano and music was my thing for so long that getting rid of it would mean admitting something to myself.

So, rather than do that, I doubled down and started taking classical piano lessons. I would “prove” to myself that I can do it. Even though making quirky beeps and boops was more my vibe.

I forced myself to practice a syllabus of bland ABRSM pieces that I hated. 30 minutes every single day. But I told myself, if you want the identity of “being a musician”, this is what you have to do. This is the “correct” and only way.

I got a Merit in Grade 3, skipped to Grade 5, realised I was hating every second and quit. I sold the piano two weeks later.

A huge weight was lifted. I make music, yeah, and I like playing piano, but I am not a classical pianist. [I like making weird stuff](https://alexpanama.com/game-development#soundtrack) and I’m bored of pretending I don’t.

## Letting go

My life took an interesting turn when I stumbled across *A New Earth* by Eckhart Tolle. I began meditating, reading small pieces of this book every day and thinking about what he meant generally and what it meant for me.

I began to see the patterns of behaviour that had served my ego for decades. Self protective systems, a web of deflection and ego-centric desires to be seen and respected in a particular way.

I didn’t respect myself at all.

This was hard to accept.

But as I slowly worked on this and dismantled the old frameworks governing me, I’ve given myself space to change and grow in ways I never realised was possible.

I was lacking self compassion because I had sold myself out to external variables out of my control. A servant to others.

I’ve have begun to embrace who I really am just a little bit more. The Final Fantasy 9 box is back on the shelf too.

## Being kinder to myself

It’s going to take a while to be a little bit more patient with myself. Those days of feeling useless because you didn’t do something. Have to make something, have to move the needle just a little bit.

But I’m getting better. I’m kinder to myself. People are noticing I’m less overly critical of them (we treat others how we treat ourselves).

The pace is slower.

By embracing the parts of myself I spent years shutting away, I find myself more productive and happier with that output than I’ve ever been. Like this post.

For me, true productivity starts with being kinder to yourself.

But you probably can’t sell as many copies of that as you can an Eisenhower matrix Notion template.
### Stranger Things season 5 finale review: all bark, no bite
URL: https://alexpanama.com/stranger-things-season-5-finale-review-all-bark-no-bite/
Last updated: 2026-01-01T13:52:39.000Z
*This review contains full spoilers for the Stranger Things Season 5 finale.*

The Duffer Brothers end Stranger Things Season 5 the only way they know how: by promising everything and delivering nothing.

In this two-hour finale, the show abandons tension in favour of a safe, Marvel-tier resolution where friendship saves the day and everyone gets exactly what they want. It’s loud, busy and completely toothless.

The setup was strong. Vecna plans a dimensional merge that will collapse the barrier between worlds. He has the children he needs. The stakes, we’re told, have never been higher.

But when you know none of the main cast are going to die, what’s the point?

I expected the merge to matter. I wanted to see Hawkins break. The Abyss bleeding into the real world. Demogorgons roaming freely. Buildings collapsing as inter-dimensional matter tears the town apart. Finally, The Military™ might have had something meaningful to do.

Instead, none of it happens.

The gang enter the Abyss and face almost no resistance. The creatures that terrorised the cast for five seasons are mysteriously absent. 

What we get instead is mild disequilibrium: Hopper hallucinates, Eleven gets shot out of a tank and Eight dies later on; the only death in the finale and the safest possible one. A character nobody was invested in anyway.

We finally get more backstory for Vecna. Jamie Campbell Bower continues to be the best thing in the show. But this comes far too late. Henry turns out to have a human side. He’s not even the real villain after all. The Mind Flayer is still the big bad. Twist achieved, impact nullified.

Why should we care?

The final confrontation is over in minutes. Eleven faces Vecna. The Mind Flayer is weakened by guns and a bit of fire. Everyone survives. Everyone escapes. Not a scratch between them.

## Plot armour and the absence of sacrifice

The real villain of Stranger Things has always been its plot armour. Throughout Season 5, characters “almost” die again and again, only to be rescued at the last second. 

Demogorgons that slaughter strangers at the speed of sound attack the main cast in slow motion, giving them plenty of time to figure out a way out.

These kids are absurdly protected. Aside from expendable side characters, they never learn what sacrifice actually means. It makes this finale so unbelievable and predictable.

After five seasons of buildup, reducing this threat to a brief combat encounter feels insulting, especially given how strong the world-building used to be.

Then there’s the baffling sidelining of Winona Ryder. Marginalised for an entire season, she’s wheeled out at the end to deliver the final word to Vecna. It’s meant to feel earned. It doesn’t. It's an edgy one liner for fans to screen share on TikTok.

As for The Military™: Eleven “dies”, Dr Kay effectively shrugs and they all just leave. No fallout. No reckoning. Equilibrium restored. Lesson unlearned.

It’s clear the Duffers wanted this finale to be about “what happens after”.

I wanted it to be about sacrifice. I wanted the kids to learn that fighting for what you believe in comes with a cost.

I wanted to see what Vecna’s plan would do to people, places and the world they’ve spent five seasons asking us to care about.

But instead, the Duffer Brothers handed a victory to everyone free of charge. A safe landing that was predictable, bloodless and disappointing.

It was probably always going to end this way. It was clear after Season 3 that the show was suffering from scope creep and had lost sight of its humble beginnings.

That doesn’t make it any less of a letdown.

For most fans, those who like their blockbusters reassuring and consequence-free, this finale will tick all the right boxes. Nobody has to feel uncomfortable. Nobody has to grieve a favourite character.

It's the fairy-tale ending we were always going to get. 

But we deserved so much more.

4/10
### Wildwood review
URL: https://alexpanama.com/wildwood-review/
Last updated: 2025-09-21T18:26:55.000Z
❗

Spoilers ahead! Major plot points discussed.

Wildwood is an ambitious children’s fantasy novel that’s around 540 pages. 

I picked it up for £1.99 and, while it’s imaginative and richly drawn, my biggest takeaway is that it’s too long.

## The world

Meloy builds a vivid, layered setting. Northwood is free-spirited and open, Southwood is pompous and tangled in politics and the middle ground is lawless territory ruled by bandits and coyotes. The author does a good job building a world you would want to visit yourself.

This regional contrast gives the book depth. Southwood’s early political struggles with the birds were engaging. Unfortunately, this thread is dropped too quickly once Prue leaves to start her quest, wasting the potential. It’s never picked up again, either, so you’re left wondering what the point of it all was.

## The characters

Prue is a strong protagonist. 

Her motivation, rescuing her baby brother, grounds the story, though she feels overly protected by plot armour and never makes any real sacrifices or gets hurt. The coincidental nature of her parent’s involvement seems more as a way to justify her time away from the real world more than a legitimate story beat.

Curtis, by contrast, is by far the weakest element and most annoying. His cowardice doesn’t develop into anything meaningful. Whenever he’s in danger, it’s always other people who save him. His decision to remain in the Wood and abandon his family back home was ridiculous. 

I’d argue that, even without Curtis, the story of Wildwood would have unfolded in the exact same way.

The Dowager Governess, Alexandra, is a strong antagonist at first. Her motivations are clear and sympathetic, rooted in revenge for past wrongs. But even she is underused. 

Her reason for vengeance stems from how South Wood treated her, which makes her decision to destroy the entire forest baffling. It seems it's there to artificially raise the stakes and get every tribe and town involved. Otherwise, North Wood wouldn’t care (as they had no part in her banishment) and she'd probably win.

She loses her initial punch and focus, with an anticlimactic “death” that transparently sets her up for a sequel. 

We find out at the end of the book that South Wood doesn’t have a way to stop the coup from happening. It’s stated multiple times how Alexandra spent years building a vast army well into the thousands. 

Why didn't she start her conquest by taking South Wood first? She has guns and they don't. Am I missing something?

## Style and pacing

Meloy’s prose is over descriptive. 

Long passages of forest description add little and slow the pace. Advanced vocabulary slips in that feels ill-suited for younger readers.

What nine-year-old knows what a basilica is without having to look it up?

Structurally, the constant flip-flopping between Prue and Curtis’s perspectives kills momentum. Why did we spend so long reading about Curtis trapped in the warren when the talking rat had the keys all along?

## The plot

The novel begins strongly with South Wood’s politics and tensions, then loses focus. 

By part three, the story drags under endless battle preparations and an anticlimactic conflict in which no main characters are harmed. 

The overthrow of South Wood’s corrupt government is rushed, with little exploration of the aftermath or justice for its leaders who were front and centre of Part One. 

## Verdict

Wildwood shines in its imaginative world and occasional bursts of political intrigue, but suffers from poor pacing, needless description and underdeveloped character arcs. 

It’s a good story with bold ambition that would be twice as good if it was half as long.

But for a children’s fantasy story, it’s fine. 

7/10
### Identifying your transferable skills
URL: https://alexpanama.com/identifying-your-transferable-skills/
Last updated: 2025-09-02T11:07:27.000Z
## Introduction

You’ve made the decision to leave teaching. [You’ve reflected on why you want to move on](https://alexpanama.com/reflecting-on-the-why/) and now reality is setting in.

What if I don’t have the right skills? What if I’m not qualified for anything else?

Let's stop that way of thinking.

As a teacher, you have an incredible skill set: one that employers are actively looking for. The challenge is learning how to reframe and present those skills in a way that gets you noticed.

This lesson is all about helping you understand and articulate the value you bring to the table.

## You have more skills than you think

Many teachers assume their experience is too specific to the classroom.

“I’ve only ever worked with children, so how does that help in an office?”

Here’s the truth: If you can manage a class of 30 children, navigate school bureaucracy and handle constant pressure, you’re already equipped for most professional environments.

Think about it:

- Communication: You break down complex ideas daily. That’s a core skill in training, marketing, customer service and more.
- Leadership: You’ve led classrooms, projects, and possibly teams. Leadership isn’t just about titles.
- Problem-solving: You adapt to challenges every single day. Employers love people who are quick on their feet like you.
- Organisation: Planning lessons, juggling admin, meeting deadlines...you already know how to manage time effectively.
- Public speaking: You stand in front of a room full of people and engage them. That’s a rare and valuable skill in many fields.

Your experience counts. It’s all about learning to package it correctly.

## Activity: mapping your skills

To help you **see** just how valuable your experience is, I’ve put together a worksheet.

This activity helps you:

- Identify key transferable skills.
- Findreal-life examples from your teaching experience.
- Start thinking about how to present your skills to future employers.

Take your time with this. Be honest, big yourself up and start recognising your potential.

### How to complete it

1\. Download the worksheet.

[Transferrable skills (.docx)transferrable-skills-worksheet.docx18 KBdownload-circle](https://alexpanama.com/content/files/2025/02/transferrable-skills-worksheet.docx "Download")

[Transferrable skills (.pdf)transferrable-skills-worksheet.pdf40 KBdownload-circle](https://alexpanama.com/content/files/2025/02/transferrable-skills-worksheet-1.pdf "Download")

2\. Go through the list of transferable skills.

3\. Write real examples of when you demonstrated each skill.

4\. Reflect on which skills you **enjoy** using the most. These will help you plan your next career move.

## Final thoughts

Changing careers is a process but the first step is realising your worth. You are more than just your teaching title, you have a wealth of skills that can take you anywhere.

So get to work, and start mapping out your next move.
### Reflecting on the why
URL: https://alexpanama.com/reflecting-on-the-why/
Last updated: 2025-08-11T22:08:28.000Z
## Introduction

If you're reading this, you've taken the first and most important step in this journey: accepting you're unhappy and want to leave the world of teaching behind.

You probably feel a range of emotions. You even might try to blame yourself. Maybe if you just stuck with it a bit longer...

None of this is your fault. What you feel is valid.

How would you feel if someone came to you and shared similar feelings about their career? What would you say to them? Give yourself the same generosity and respect. You deserve a job you love.

It's time to understand why you want to leave teaching and put it into words.

## Give yourself space

When I left, I felt ashamed of myself.

I felt I didn't work hard enough, didn't dedicate enough of my free time to mark more books or create lesson plans. I blamed myself for feeling overwhelmed. By doing this, I had gaslit myself into believing that I was the problem.

As human beings, we're very good at blaming ourselves for things, even when it's not our fault. Have you ever said sorry to someone when they were the ones who bumped into you on the street?

Once I sat down and started writing down the things I didn't enjoy about my job I realised that, not only did they line up with what my colleagues said they hated, it showed me that I wasn't weird for feeling this way.

I wanted my free time back. I wanted control of my life. I wanted to be happy and not wake up each morning feeling anxious.

## Activity

Download and complete the worksheet. There are two simple questions to answer, designed to help you articulate the feelings you’ve kept hidden for so long.

You’ll dive into what makes you unhappy right now, then you’ll have a go at imagining how your life might look in the future.

There's no set time for this activity. Don't rush it. Come back to it over time if you need more than one go at it.

[Reflection worksheet (Word)reflection-worksheet.docx19 KBdownload-circle](https://alexpanama.com/content/files/2025/01/reflection-worksheet.docx "Download")

[Reflection worksheet (PDF)reflection-worksheet.pdf22 KBdownload-circle](https://alexpanama.com/content/files/2025/01/reflection-worksheet.pdf "Download")

After you're happy with what you've written, consider sharing your reflections with someone who understands the journey you're on, like a fellow teacher, partner or friend.

Ask them what they think of what you've shared.

Nobody to share it with, or have a question? Get in touch, and let’s talk about your journey together.

Once you've finished this lesson, you're ready to move to the next one.

[Lesson two ](https://alexpanama.com/identifying-your-transferable-skills/)
### 5 secrets to engaging and impactful workplace training
URL: https://alexpanama.com/the-secret-to-engaging-and-impactful-workplace-training/
Last updated: 2024-09-14T16:18:32.000Z
We’ve all been there. Your manager decides it’s time for some mandatory training. Perfect, you think: an opportunity to learn! Only to be disappointed when by “training” they meant two hours of someone reading 30 PowerPoint slides to you.

That’s not training. That’s lecturing. And it’s the bane of the corporate world.

No one learns best by sitting through endless talking. You might learn one or two things, but you’ll forget the rest. Deciding that training is needed, then reading a script and calling it a day, is the opposite of effective learning.

Learning is not transactional.

Without engagement from your team, well-designed activities, opportunities for discussion and sharing best practice, your team won’t learn anything. It’ll come back to haunt you when they mess up on the job.

I was a teacher for 8 years, and here’s the thing: it doesn’t matter whether you’re designing learning for children or adults, the structure remains the same. It just might involve less cutting out and sticking.

Here’s five things you can do to create unforgettable sessions and get the most out of your team.

### 1\. Choose a clear, skill-based learning objective

What single, tangible skill do you want your team to learn by the end of this session?

A good training session focuses on one skill at a time. Not only does this give a clear direction for the session (helping everyone stay on track and on time), but it also gives your team a crystal-clear idea of what they’ll walk away with.

Without a focus, the session will derail into an open conversation where nothing gets done. A waste of time for everybody.

### Strong vs weak objectives

#### 🚫 “Learn how to use Software X”

**Why it’s bad:**

1. You haven’t defined a skill — what if you cover something they already know?
2. You haven’t clearly defined success, so you can’t measure it.
3. Because it’s too vague, how will your team know when they’re successful? It’s like saying “today, you’ll learn to play the piano”. That can mean anything from hitting a few keys to playing Rachmaninoff’s Piano Concerto №3.

#### ✅ “Generate a financial report in Software X”

**Why it’s good:**

1. You’ve focused on a specific skill and process.
2. You can easily measure success: can they generate the report?
3. Your team knows exactly what you want them to learn and what success looks like.

#### Start with the end in mind

When designing learning objectives, always work backwards from the end goal.

What do you want your team to do?

What do they **need to learn to do that?**

Let’s say I want my team to deliver a great business presentation.

**To do this, they need to:**

- Understand how to structure a presentation (introduction, body, conclusion).
- Use tools to create visual aids, like charts and graphs, to support their message.
- Develop strong public speaking skills (voice modulation, body language).
- Use storytelling techniques to engage the audience.

By listing out all the skills, I’ve created a scheme of work. Four sessions, with clear objectives ready to go.

### 2\. Active learning: get your team involved

There is nothing worse than a training session where one person info dumps for an hour and expects anything to stick. It’s the idea of one person (a teacher, lecturer etc) “transmitting” knowledge to the “empty vessels” (the students or employees).

Research has proven that people learn best when they actively take part in their learning, even if they don’t think they’re learning as much.

[In one study,](https://www.pnas.org/doi/10.1073/pnas.1821936116?ref=alexpanama.com) students “learned more when they were actively engaged in the classroom than they did in a passive lecture environment” (Louis Deslauriers et al, 2019).

Deslauriers also discovered that “student evaluations seem to be completely uncorrelated with actual learning”. People **feel** they’ve learned more in a traditional passive lecture when they actually learned **less**.

Active learning is as simple as doing anything where your team isn’t passively listening.

#### Examples of active learning

There’s a near infinite amount, but some good ones you could include in your sessions are:

- Group discussions
- Hypothetical scenarios/‘What if’s
- Quizzes
- Problem-solving
- Role-play (who doesn’t love playing the angry customer?)
- A “fix it” scenario: give them a broken example and ask them to figure out what’s wrong.

You don’t have to include all of these at once: break up a long session with **just one** for a quick win.

The activities you choose depend on the group you’re working with. If your team’s mastering your concepts well, for example, you can turn the quiz idea around and get them to come up with questions to test each other. Now the learning is entirely in their hands.

### 3\. Formative assessment

Formative assessment is you checking, at any point in the session, what your group has learned. You can do this with an activity like a short quiz or even 1–2 quick questions. Use this data as a turning point.

#### 💪 **If your group is smashing it**

Pick up the pace and skip sections they clearly don’t need to know, or use the time saved to introduce more advanced concepts.

#### 🤔 **If your group is struggling**

Spend more time on the things they’re not getting. You can even go back a few more steps and cover something they learned previously.

#### 🌓 **If the group is 50/50**

Breakout activities. Get the knowledgeable groups to work on something more advanced, while you spend a bit of time with those who need your help.

Make sure what you’re sharing is beneficial to the group. A good teacher adapts quickly to the needs of the class.

It’s important to plan for these possibilities in advance. Always have a plan, even if it’s just a mental note to yourself. It doesn’t have to be complicated, but failing to plan is planning to fail.

### 4\. Make it as fun as you can

The best training is the one people remember, and you achieve that by ensuring people enjoy themselves, if only just a little.

I’m not saying you have to fill the time with endless games, videos, and jokes. Nothing will get done that way. But there are quick wins you can do:

#### 🖥️ **Use interactive tools**

Use Kahoot, Mentimeter, or Poll Everywhere to create interactive quizzes or polls. These tools can turn a standard Q&A into a lively activity that keeps everyone engaged. Plus, the Kahoot quiz music will get stuck in everyone’s heads forever.

#### 😄 **Add humour**

Get people laughing! The occasional joke or funny personal (relevant) anecdote keeps people engaged. People love stories and feel good when they laugh. They’ll remember those positive moments, meaning they’ll remember your session.

#### ⏩ **Keep it moving**

Make your session well-paced. Don’t give people the chance to even *think* about getting bored.

Introduce short, fun activities between more intense learning segments. If you’ve spent 10 minutes explaining a difficult skill, go straight into a Kahoot quiz or practical activity that assesses what they’ve done.

When people can’t spot a pattern, or don’t know what’s coming next, that’s when you’ve got them hooked.

#### 🎉 **Celebrate successes**

It’s not just kids who enjoy a gold star once in a while.

People want to know they’ve done well, so celebrate the small wins throughout your session. Even if it’s just the occasional bit of encouragement, recognising when the team’s doing well can boost morale and make the experience more enjoyable for everyone (including you).

### 5\. Design for impact

It’s natural to want to cover as much ground as possible in a session. Time is money, after all. And the more you teach, the more your team learns, right?

Not necessarily.

It’s not like we’re cooking a meal, decide to cook for eight people instead of four, and double the ingredients for double the food.

This is where the Pareto Principle ([80/20](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pareto%5Fprinciple?ref=alexpanama.com)) rule comes in.

Most people wear 20% of their clothes 80% of the time. This means 80% of your lesson’s value comes from just 20% of the lesson. That beautiful diagram you spent hours on? It could have the smallest impact.

Before you dive into creating a life-changing session, ask yourself: is half of what you’re saying even worth it? It usually isn’t.

Identify the moment in your training where you expect things to click for everyone, where they’ll go “Oh yeah! I get it now!” and their face lights up. That’s your 80/20 moment.

Trim the fat, focus on what matters, and don’t waste time.

### Make every second count

Designing great training sessions doesn’t have to be hard, but it requires effort and proper planning.

By starting with clear, skill-based learning objectives, engaging your team through active learning, and adjusting things based on formative assessments, you’re already on the way to your training becoming more impactful and fun. And yes, it’s possible for it to be both!

Remember, it’s not about cramming in as much content as you can.

Focus on the key elements that will drive the most value for your team. Use tools that make learning interactive and fun, and always consider whether every part of your session is necessary.

Successful training is about more than just throwing information at people — it’s about making sure your team gets the skills and confidence they need to apply what they’ve learned.

Keep it focused, keep it fun, and keep your team at the heart of the experience.
### Reflecting on my skin: growing up with racism in the UK
URL: https://alexpanama.com/reflecting-on-my-skin-growing-up-with-racism-in-the-uk/
Last updated: 2025-08-11T22:02:09.000Z
I’ll never forget the first time I got called a p\*ki as a child.

I was 7 years old and walking to the shop. £1 coin held in my hand, my mum let me go down the road to buy some sweets. I was so excited: I was trusted to go beyond the safety of my home street. A big deal for 7-year-old Alex.

Standing by the automatic doors were 3 older kids. As I walked in, their gaze burning holes into my skull, one of them scowled and said the word under his breath. Like he was almost ashamed of it.

I was always told to be nice to everybody. But here, before I could say a word, I was hated. What did I do wrong? 28 years later, in 2024, I’m seeing and hearing the same words as I did in 1996.

As a child, you don’t understand why people throw words like p\*ki at you.

You don’t understand why your skin, your heritage, could provoke such anger from total strangers. You don’t understand why your skin colour even matters. But to some people, it does matter, and that day in ’96 was just one of the countless times when I have been reminded of my “otherness”.

From being told to going back to my home country to having kids come up to me in a play area and tell me I’m from India: racism in the United Kingdom never went away, it’s just got a new platform and a new lick of paint.

And if anyone has ever asked you where you’re “from from,” you know how I feel.

### “Haven’t you got a corner shop to work in?”

I was always the weird kid, and the colour of my skin made me even weirder.

I grew up in 1990s Eastbourne, a mostly white, average seaside town that was Conservative voting until the 2010s. In primary school, I was one of only 2 people of colour in my entire year group of 70\. Kids would [shout a racist chant](https://www.lawoftheplayground.net/index.php?subject=98&ref=alexpanama.com) whenever I asked to play with them.

As I moved up to secondary school, things didn’t improve. Racist attitudes followed me wherever I went.

I would stand outside a classroom, waiting for the previous lesson to finish, and a girl in the year above me would come and ask me whether I could “teach them Muslim”. I’d walk down a corridor and bump into someone by accident. Can you guess what they called me?

My “friends” would call me Abdul, because that was their default “generic foreigner” name. Get it? Because I’m brown?

Bullies, when doing the rounds picking on people, would look at me and say, “I don’t even know what you’re supposed to be”.

This happened so often, with no breaks, that I became conditioned to it. I would turn corners, enter rooms, meet new people, and expect someone to hate me for no reason other than I looked different.

And it hasn’t got any better. I’ve successfully interviewed for jobs and been told in my first week that I was a diversity hire.

One night out, I was chatting to a girl when she asked me if I was a Muslim. When I asked her “what makes you say that?” (ignoring the fact it was the colour of my skin), she backtracked and said “your eyelashes”.

I’m not even religious.

### It changes the way you see the world

When you spend a huge part of your life pushed down for no other reason but your race, you develop habits.

Habits of fear.

I became so disgusted at who I saw in the mirror that I tried to hide my cultural brownness as much as I could.

I had internalised their racism and hated myself.

- I would avoid sitting next to other brown people on the bus in case people thought we were related and would target us.
- I’d watch TV I hated, looked up things I knew my friends liked in the hope I could appear as white as possible.
- I’d make sure in group settings I always talked, because if you’re brown and don’t contribute, you’re a foreigner who can’t speak English.
- I became hyper-vigilant when outside. Every look, every word said near me analysed to see whether I was in danger.

I erased my identity to fit in, and I could feel parts of myself slipping away. I was made to feel ashamed of myself, hiding a rich heritage and history.

But no amount of erasure can change the way you look.

### Our work is far from over

Reading and watching the recent riots unfold over the past few weeks triggered something in me. Decades of racism and buried emotions resurfaced.

I consider myself lucky: the worst I got as a kid were some horrible words, being a social outcast and the occasional push into a wall. Not everyone is so fortunate.

But how messed up is it when I consider that a “good” type of racism? Even now, I try to downplay it. Maybe I deserved it? Maybe I did something?

But it’s all wrong.

Racist attitudes from the 90s are more prevalent than ever. The riots, the horrible words and actions towards marginalised communities have now set us back again. Once more, people of colour must watch their backs and fear going out. Families fear for the safety of their children, their businesses and the people they care about.

Some of us are told “you’re the good kind of immigrant because you’ve integrated!” or “oh, you don’t look that brown.”

They want to segregate us and make us fight each other.

Over the last ten years, I’ve unpicked the toxic attitudes and self-hatred I felt. But it’s hard to shake the feeling that, no matter how confident in your own skin you are, you will always be different. For better or for worse.

Just when you think everything’s going to be OK, you check the news. We still have a long way to go.
### Listening to silence: discovering your self-worth without a single word
URL: https://alexpanama.com/listening-to-silence-discovering-your-self-worth-without-a-single-word/
Last updated: 2024-06-23T15:58:40.000Z
> *If you happen to find yourself alone among strangers; keep silent.*

*Epictetus, handbook, 33.2*

This morning, as I sipped my coffee and flipped through Epictetus’ Handbook (a book I believe everyone should have a copy of), I came across this quote.

Recently, I have been reflecting on how I always feel the need to fill the silence, or talk a lot of rubbish to people. Have you ever thrown out a joke for the sake of it, it doesn’t land, and you feel stupid? “Why did I say that?” I always ask myself, replaying it over and over in my head before bed later that night.

Why do we feel the need to do this?

I realised it was my inner child crying out “please, let them like me”, echoing memories of being overlooked in games or judged by the colour of my skin.

A need for acceptance was almost hard wired into me from an early age. But this is a learned behaviour, and like all learned behaviours, it can be rewritten.

It’s fascinating how much of our adult behaviour stems from our wounded inner child. These unresolved feelings that linger for decades. No one teaches us to look inward and speak to this child, who is always there, begging for attention and influencing our behaviour.

No one provides the tools to soothe them, to look them in the eyes and say, “I’m listening, and I’m sorry. But it’s going to be OK”.

Being silent among strangers doesn’t mean sitting on a bus without talking (I cringe when my phone accidentally plays music without my AirPods connected). Epictetus refers to those moments when you feel you *should* be connected to those around you — like colleagues in the office or friends at a bar — yet you still feel isolated and alone.

It’s in those moments, for me, that I felt a greater need to prove myself. Almost as if not feeling connected to these people was a negative reflection on me and me alone. That joke you told earlier that fell flat? Now you have to try even harder to gain their approval, right?

But why is it that way?

What if we flip the paradigm? What if not feeling connected is because of **their** inability to connect with **us**? Why does it always have to be our fault?

In these moments, Epictetus advises us to stop trying to prove ourselves. If we have nothing to say or don’t feel valued, we should simply sit and observe. It is no reflection of who you are as a person. That judgement often comes from within.

I’m not suggesting you go to a meet up with friends and not say a word all night. That would be awkward.

But try only speaking when you really feel that you have something to add to the conversation (and perhaps the lives of those around you).

Never feel the need to prove yourself.

Your existence is enough. It’s as much others’ responsibility to connect with you as it is yours to connect with them. Embrace your values, passions, and interests. Stand tall and let your authentic self attract the right people into your life naturally.
### Missed connections
URL: https://alexpanama.com/missed-connections/
Last updated: 2024-03-16T18:50:04.000Z
*Or: how a moment from 7 years ago still sticks with me in 2024.*

It was March 2017\. The time was 2AM.

I had just landed in Dubai, a layover on my journey to Japan. It was my first flight ever, around 6–7 hours long.

I was exhausted, but excited. This was my first ever solo journey. I felt in control of my life, my destiny, and everything that lay beyond was a new chapter.

Dubai airport is huge. As someone who had barely found my way around London Gatwick, it was a completely different experience. All leather items off (still not sure why this rule existed), bags checked. The security staff didn’t mess around.

I was excited and alone. Fresh from a breakup, licking my wounds, I wanted to get as far away from everything as I could.

After security, I arrived at a massive concourse. Multiple escalators and gateways leading to other planes landing and taking off. Shops, signs and bright lights. Hundreds, thousands of people walking around me, all looking to get to their destination. Thousands of fresh adventures. Thousands of people I’d never meet.

I was lost. I had several hours to kill before my flight boarded. I wanted to find my gate and pass out on a chair for a bit. Sleeping on the plane was not a skill I had learned.

I found the departure boards. A long list of destinations all different to mine. Turns out it’s hard to find what you need when you’re overtired.

Beside me was a girl around the same age as me, looking for where she needed to go.

We turned to each other and smiled.

“Where are you headed?” she said.

“Tokyo, what about you?”

I forget where she was going.

We chatted briefly about our flights and what our plans were. She was traveling around Asia and planning to travel more and meet some friends.

The way she smiled at me felt like we had made a genuine connection. This complete stranger made the people, sounds and everything around me slow down, if only for a little while.

Our chat is effortless, a moment of calm in the storm.

She finds her departure gate. She helps me find mine. Our time together is over.

We say goodbye, good luck, and go our separate ways.

This moment stuck with me for years. Even in 2024, it pops into my head. It’s a memory I hold on to as proof that you can find connection and meaning in the most unlikely of places.

It’s also proof, to me, that I **can** find a connection (and not just the airplane kind). I can create memorable moments that go beyond a photo or Instagram post.

All you have to do is be open to it. It’s a mindset thing. If you’re not open to it, it won’t happen, because your brain won’t be looking for those moments.

You’ll see people as obstacles and not opportunities.

Lately, I have been guilty of facing the world with aggression and defence. I have behaved like everything is out to get me. My guard is up, and I am not receptive to new experiences. I feel shut off.

Then I remember the girl in Dubai airport: the smile, the kind words, and knowing I would never see her again. A quick moment, but a moment I won’t forget.

I don’t want to close myself off from everyone and everything.

I want to be open to taking chances, risks, and putting myself out there. Sure, you won’t spark a connection with everyone. But I feel trying 99 times and succeeding on the 100th makes it worth it.

We might be 25% through 2024 already, but you don’t need to wait until new year to make promises to yourself.

Everyone’s a stranger until they’re not, after all.
### (Dis)connection
URL: https://alexpanama.com/dis-connection/
Last updated: 2023-10-22T18:36:26.000Z
In a world of constant distraction and dopamine, it’s easy to feel like you’re in a bubble of your own.

If you live in a city, you will pass hundreds of faces every day. You see more people on your way to work than our ancestors saw in a lifetime.

Technology has made our lives easier and more convenient. You can order a meal and have it on your table in less than 20 minutes. You can stay in touch with family on the opposite side of the world with the tap of a button.

But we have never been more desperate for connection.

I find the worst example of this in a coffee shop. You join a queue, and everyone has their head down, gazing at their phones. How can you be surrounded by people, yet feel no sense of belonging? For those of us feeling lonely, it can drive that feeling home.

Dating is now only online, a revolving door of potential suitors. We see people as disposable and transactional. We barely read one sentence about a person before dismissing them with a simple swipe.

Loneliness is a growing problem. 25% of UK adults report feeling lonely always, often, or some of the time [(Office for National Statistics, 2022)](https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/wellbeing/bulletins/publicopinionsandsocialtrendsgreatbritain/27aprilto8may2022?ref=alexpanama.com#:~:text=men%20%2831%25%29.-,Loneliness,%25%20in%20the%20previous%20period%29.)

But there are flickers of connection if you look hard enough.

It’s there in the smile you show the stranger walking past (and hopefully seeing them smile back at you).

It’s there when you pick up something dropped by someone in the supermarket, and they say thank you.

It’s there when you give up your seat for someone on the bus or offer to help someone with their bags as they get off.

It’s there when someone holds open a door for you.

It’s there when you compliment someone’s outfit, or they compliment yours.

It’s understandable to get caught up in this new way of living and feel disconnected. And yes, it is a lot harder than it used to be.

If you search for opportunities, you might be surprised at what can happen. Try smiling at someone as you walk down the street. The feeling as they smile back is powerful and will make your day just a little brighter.

> We have so little of each other, now. So far  
> from tribe and fire. Only these brief moments of exchange.  
> What if they are the true dwelling of the holy, these  
> fleeting temples we make together when we say, “Here,  
> have my seat,” “Go ahead — you first,” “I like your hat.”

*Danusha Laméris, Small Kindnesses*
### The night a sauna enthusiast diagnosed me with autism at a Meetup
URL: https://alexpanama.com/the-night-a-sauna-enthusiast-diagnosed-me-with-autism-at-a-meetup/
Last updated: 2026-08-13T13:11:22.000Z
Working at home has many perks: you can wear what you like, take coffee breaks when you want, and create the perfect environment that enables you to do your best work. It does, however, come with a downside: you’re almost always alone.

Determined to make some new friends, I searched Meetup for ways to connect with people face-to-face. I had attempted this a few times before, with mixed results. But I wanted to try one more time.

Only one group looked interesting: “20–40 somethings social”. 70 people had signed up to attend.

Meetup events with no shared interests can be awkward because you don’t know anyone and have nothing in common. A social jungle, with everyone lurking around, trying to strike up a conversation.

It can almost feel like a zoo. But what was the alternative? Another Saturday night spent alone?

After a couple of drinks at home, I thought, “what’s the worst that could happen?”, put on my shoes and jumped into an Uber. The driver didn’t have a radio but was loudly eating peanuts. The whole car smelled strongly of them.

Just as well I wasn’t allergic and didn’t die, or that could have easily dropped his 5 star rating down to a 4\. ***At least.***

I arrived at the pub around 8PM — fashionably late, of course — to a crowd of 40 or 50\. A pretty good turnout. The host, a man named John, introduced me to a few people. I made my way to a lively table, where a party card game was in full swing.

Amidst the audible ocean of loud music and loud chatter, I danced a delicate tango of striking up conversations: some rewarding, some not so much. It got exhausting after a while. You can only explain your job to people so many times.

It was also odd that a few people didn’t want to socialise.

Enter Dave, a lively fellow in his 30s. Attending with a German woman (important detail for later) he met at a previous event. He seemed nice at first. Almost, dare I say, normal?

He also owns a sauna.

Interesting? Maybe.

A 20-minute conversation? Definitely not.

Yet somehow, the sauna saga spanned an epic 20 minutes, a quirk that seemed fitting in the absurdity of the entire night. Not really what I was looking for when I asked, “tell me something interesting about yourself”. Is that really the best you can do, Dave?

I turn around, and the German woman is talking to someone. A man tried speaking German to her and claimed she wasn’t really German. He started boasting about asking women in Germany for threesomes and how he had blue balls.

I couldn’t believe what was happening. Is this typical conversation for men my age at Meetup events?

The rest of the night was okay. I had some enjoyable conversations, but nothing sparked. The crowd drops from 50 to around 20 in the space of an hour.

And then Dave drops the motherlode on me.

“Yeah, you’re autistic**.**”

What?

Dave, a man I had just met, who I gave no indication of a lack of social awareness, diagnosed my (until now, at least) latent, fictional ASD.

While there is nothing wrong with being autistic at all, and neurodivergence is vast and complex, it’s not exactly something you tell someone the first time you meet them. Especially when it’s used as an insult.

This surprise was unwelcome, especially since I already felt disconnected. The label hung in the air, a heavy blow to my attempts at making friends, and I was ready to call it quits.

“What makes you think that?” I ask him. With nothing to lose, I decided to find out why.

“Because you don’t make eye contact,” he replies confidently, as if he had caught a thief in the thick of night.

Let me tell you something. When you’re bored with talk of saunas and surrounded by the excitement of a Saturday night, you’ll naturally start looking for something else to do. It was a social event: I wanted to speak to everyone and see who was out there.

Nope. According to Dave, this is because I am incapable of making eye contact with him.

A last-ditch attempt to chat with another group ended in disappointment when one of them gave me the faintest smile before walking away. Suddenly, I felt deflated, unworthy, and shunned. I was putting myself out there, being myself, but the response was far from encouraging.

I grabbed my coat, put down what was left of my double rum and coke, and left.

The summer here this year is odd, so the night was warm with a downpour of rain. I check Uber to grab a ride home. £40\. Bit of a jump from the £8 it cost me to get here. Deflated, I stood at the bus stop, the warm rain pouring over me, and made small talk with an elderly gentleman about how the electronic timetable showed the bus as “due” for about 10 minutes.

Whilst thinking about what happened (and whether I was, in fact, autistic), I couldn’t help but wonder what the point of this event was. It was like everyone was wearing a mask. People pretended to be what they thought others wanted and the conversations were shallow.

Nobody wanted to take a risk and reveal a part of themselves.

I did meet some cool people: a software developer who shared my dry sense of humour, and I had a lively debate with someone about why cats are the superior house pet. They’re not, by the way.

You had all the ingredients for a perfect night. You had a large group of people, all alone, all wanting to make friends. Why else would we be here on a Saturday night? If we already had friends, we’d be with them. Why be so closed off?

Here’s the thing about trying to make friends: it requires authenticity. Pretending to be something you’re not only takes you further away from a genuine connection. I left the event, my attempts shut down, feeling more alone than had I not bothered attending. I had better chats with the man at the bus stop than anyone else that night.

I deleted the Meetup app when I got home.
### If primary teaching is a loaded gun, then OFSTED pulls the trigger
URL: https://alexpanama.com/if-teaching-is-a-loaded-gun-then-ofsted-pulls-the-trigger/
Last updated: 2023-04-30T19:54:02.000Z
With wages that barely keep up with inflation, 12-hour days with no breaks, piles of books to take home and a culture of fear and backstabbing, it’s no wonder why thousands leave the teaching profession every year.

I should know. I was one of them.

### An all too common feeling

In 2022, I left the education sector for good. Over 8 years, it made me feel useless even at my best, with my successes ignored and my mistakes honed on with laser precision. At my lowest point in 2015, I stood in a shower, tears running down my face. I wondered whether life would be easier if I just didn’t exist.

The worst part of all was seeing how common this feeling was. They made you feel like it was normal.

In my many years of teaching I saw a lot of things. Most of them were bad.

I’ve seen brilliant, experienced teachers beaten down to nothing. I’ve had assistant heads walk into my classroom and burst into tears because they couldn’t handle it anymore. The workload is too great, the expectations too high.

So many amazing teachers I knew have left. Those who have stayed have done so out of feelings of misplaced obligation, or fear they couldn’t do anything else with their lives. The way I felt, the way Ruth felt, and the way many teachers feel right now is so common. And that is the disgusting reality we face today.

Teaching robbed me of my dignity and self worth. But I kept going for 7 more years.

Term after term, watching colleagues go behind people’s backs to year leaders, SLT demanding people sacrifice lunch for mandatory meetings, endless requests with no time to finish them, and parents who felt their children could do no wrong.

And that’s just a small part of it.

I felt helpless. I can’t even imagine how Ruth must have felt. The heartbreak when she discovered her school’s new OFSTED rating.

She wasn’t even allowed to share the result for 54 days. 54 days where her world slowly fell apart.

### The tragedy of Ruth Perry

Ruth took her own life after finding out that OFSTED downgraded her school from “outstanding” to “inadequate”.

Like all headteachers, Ruth dedicated her life to educating and inspiring children. She worked at Caversham for 16 years. It’s safe to say that her school was her world, and she loved her work. A passion that should be nurtured, not snuffed out.

Make no mistake; Ruth’s death directly resulted from the OFSTED report. But you’d be hard-pressed to get more than a half-hearted apology from Amanda Spielman, current OFSTED head and CEO of heartlessness.

“I don’t believe that stopping or preventing inspections would be in children’s best interests. Our aim is to raise standards, so that all children get a great education,” she said, almost believing the words coming out of her mouth.

Children above all else, even at the expense of staff. A common narrative drilled into teachers from the very start of their career.

Her message, however, is clear. It’s not me, it’s you.

### If you’re thinking of teaching, don’t.

OFSTED is a vehicle of tyranny and the #1 reason teaching in the UK is in such a sorry state.

It brings untold mental destruction to teachers and leaders alike. It crushes even the strongest players in the game. I’ve seen it happen time and time again.

The lack of compassion and understanding in schools is endemic, and it is OFSTED’s fault. At one of the last schools I ever worked at, our headteacher said, word for word, that “your mental health is not my responsibility”.

Was it their fault for saying something so callous? Yes. But they are just part of a much bigger problem. A problem entirely of OFSTED and, by extension, the government’s creation.

To dedicate your entire life to teaching, helping and supporting children, is a noble and selfless act. Being a headteacher provides a sense of ownership, that you are responsible not just for the children, but also your staff.

Inadequate ratings are a horrific result. They should come with extensive mental health support and guidance for those affected. Instead, you’re given a laundry list of why you’re terrible at your job.

Ruth put her heart and soul into her work, to do what was best for the children in her care. OFSTED took that away from her. Proper mental health support won’t undo the tragedy her family (and colleagues) had to face, but it can help prevent it happening again in the future. To both senior staff and those on the front lines.

What sort of reality do we live in where [Love Island contestants receive greater care and support](https://metro.co.uk/2021/06/16/love-island-2021-confirms-duty-of-care-protocols-for-islanders-14780580/?ref=alexpanama.com) than teachers do?

Posters slapped above the staff toilet sinks listing “20 mindful activities” just doesn’t cut it anymore.
### What If Tomorrow Never Comes?
URL: https://alexpanama.com/what-if-tomorrow-never-comes/
Last updated: 2022-02-19T14:27:20.000Z
When I was younger (and the internet was this brand new, fascinating wild west of adventure), my friend showed me a website called [deathclock.com](http://deathclock.com/?ref=alexpanama.com). You enter your gender, your BMI and date of birth and it would tell you the date of your death, complete with an unnerving countdown. You could see the seconds running down.

You can still visit that website today, still sporting the (now rather dated) original layout it had back in 2005\. It’s not accurate by any means, but I visited it again recently.

Seeing the remaining time I have left, 17 years later, resonates in a more haunting way than before.

![](https://cdn-images-1.medium.com/max/800/1*wnCVsuFglmgUluBnkcdMLQ.png)

Not exactly positive news. Or is it?

Having now entered my 30s and hitting that point in life where I am questioning a lot (my career choices, relationship errors etc), seeing my remaining time counting down before my very eyes is almost like a call to action. It made me realise how little time we really have. Even if I had 10, 20 years more than this website claims, time is still ticking away every second. Every time you put off doing something could well be your last chance. What if my time is shorter than it says?

What if I push something back to tomorrow, but something happens to me? What if I died next week? Would I be happy with where my life was going?

I don’t see death as something to fear but, rather, an opportunity. It reminds us that we are not infinite entities as we convince ourselves to be. There is a reason people who suffer from a near-death experience feel like they have a new lease on life.  
Coming face to face with your own mortality reminds you not to take anything for granted, but you don’t need to experience this yourself to realise it right now, at this very moment.

The Roman Philosopher Seneca summed it up perfectly:

> It is not that we have a short space of time, but that we waste much of it.

Death shouldn’t scare you. It is something that comes for everybody, eventually. The best time to act is now; there is no guarantee that tomorrow will even exist.

We all have the time to do something great. How are you spending the time that you have?

Don’t squander it. [Extraordinary happens today, not tomorrow.](https://adepanama.medium.com/extraordinary-happens-today-not-tomorrow-fa0fea122b27?ref=alexpanama.com)

*Article image: Philippe de Champaigne, Still Life With a Skull, 1669*

---

*Originally published at* [*https://alexdepanama.com*](https://alexdepanama.com/what-if-tomorrow-never-comes/?ref=alexpanama.com) *on February 19, 2022.*
### Extraordinary happens today, not tomorrow
URL: https://alexpanama.com/extraordinary-happens-today-not-tomorrow/
Last updated: 2022-01-08T12:46:02.000Z
> “How long are you going to wait before you demand the best for yourself?”

As the new year begins, the cultural habit of setting goals and resolutions has kicked in. Gyms will become overrun with people promising that, this time, it will be different. It’s time to start that project I’ve always wanted to start, or make that thing I’ve always wanted to make.

It’s a noble attempt that ultimately falls short. Why? The answer is simple;

Waiting for the perfect moment will never be enough.

You don’t need to wait for some arbitrary date to set a goal. If you do this, you’re making excuses. You’re afraid. Imagine getting to November and you never started that project. What’s your goal next year; to do it for real this time?

In the meantime, you throw another two months down the drain as you wait for the perfect moment to sweep you away, like a Disney prince whisking away the lucky princess. You see inspiration and motivation as an external influence, a fairy tale ending that will one day romance you and give you everything you’ve ever dreamed of.

That is not how the world works. You do not need the start of a new year to start the new you. Success comes from planning your every move and creating healthy, consistent habits.

Extraordinary happens today.

It could have happened yesterday, too, but the past has been and gone. What you want could be yours, if only you stopped waiting for right time and started. You don’t have to have high expectations; [just show up](https://alexdepanama.com/ghost/?ref=alexpanama.com#/editor/post/61399e4939934a04e78a8c94) and begin the process.

Your goals must be small, frequent and achievable. Aiming to write a book when you can’t even write a novelette is only setting yourself up for failure. It is the dopamine hit we get when hitting a target that encourages our brain to repeat the activity and form a consistent habit; give it to yourself little and often.

Imagine fearing mediocrity, so you never start, only to remain mediocre at it because you never started. Is this really the paradox you want your life to be based on?

Photo by [Niklas Ohlrogge](https://unsplash.com/@ohlrogge?utm%5Fsource=unsplash&utm%5Fmedium=referral&utm%5Fcontent=creditCopyText) on [Unsplash](https://unsplash.com/s/photos/achieve?utm%5Fsource=unsplash&utm%5Fmedium=referral&utm%5Fcontent=creditCopyText)

---

*Originally published at* [*https://alexdepanama.com*](https://alexdepanama.com/extraordinary-happens-today-not-tomorrow/?ref=alexpanama.com) *on January 8, 2022.*
### 6 Signs You Need to Change Careers
URL: https://alexpanama.com/6-signs-you-need-to-change-careers/
Last updated: 2021-11-26T07:03:48.000Z
Realising that you are in the wrong job, or even career, can feel soul-destroying at first, especially if you have invested time and money getting to your current position. A job, like any relationship, has to be a good fit, else it can bring stress, misery, and low self-esteem. Deciding to leave primary school teaching (and begin my departure entirely from the UK education system) was the best decision I ever made for both my mental and physical health. However, I avoided the signs for years and almost hit breaking point.

Don’t make the same mistake.

Here are six signs (red flags, if you will) that it’s time for you to take your skill set elsewhere.

### 1\. You wake up each morning with a sense of dread

It’s 6AM and your alarm goes off. You silence it, but continue to lie in bed, staring vacantly at the ceiling. You feel paralysed, unable to move. You eventually make it to the shower but keep giving yourself ‘one more minute’, finding any excuse to stay a little longer. You space out.

This is not normal if it’s happening every day. Your job should not make you feel this way. That aching feeling in your chest is your body warning you that something isn’t right. Not every day should bring the same level of anxiety as a life-changing event.

### 2\. You are stressed but you don’t see it

Stress is not the typical depiction of throbbing veins in your forehead and a red face. It is more subtle and damaging than you realise. Noticing the signs is important.

Stress is your body’s natural response, telling you that you are in danger and need to either run away or fight. It is not a state you’re supposed to stay in for long periods of time. The long-term effects of high cortisol (the ‘stress hormone’) include irritability, fatigue, high blood pressure and physical aches and pains.

When I was stressed, I developed a sharp pain in my right leg and found walking up stairs agonising. It was there for months. The day after I resigned, the pain went away.

Do you feel you are in a constant state of fight-or-flight every day while you’re at work? Unless you work in a dangerous field (anything that legitimately risks your very life), few jobs that bring you such anguish are worth fighting for.

### 3\. You withdraw from your partner, friends and hobbies

Our time and energy are finite resources; water in a glass. Every action empties the glass until there is nothing left. If your job has you stressing out 24/7, you will have no energy or drive to do anything else when you get home. Anxiety can be a full-time job on its own. If you are coming home with no desire to spend time with loved ones or pursue your passion project, that is not okay. Something needs to change.

Are jobs tiring? Of course they are. But there is a fine line between physical exhaustion and feeling like you’re on the verge of a total breakdown.

### 4\. You are more argumentative at home and work

If you are withdrawn and have less energy, you will find yourself in a more irritable mood. I would come home from a day of teaching so totally exhausted that anyone trying to talk to me would piss me off.

I wanted to be alone. People found that hard to understand because I refused to talk and express how I felt. My tolerance for everything was lower, and everyone became my enemy. I said things I am not proud of. I became someone I hated.

### 5\. You think less of yourself

Having an awful job and not performing well (for any reason) can have a disastrous impact on our self-esteem.

When I had mounting deadlines and a never ending to do list, I convinced myself that something was wrong with me. That if I was competent, I wouldn’t have this vast mountain of tasks to do and they’d have been completed ages ago. I’d get called out on it, and then feel even worse about myself. This began to seep into my life outside of work, too. A slippery slope.

We all think negatively of ourselves from time to time, but if you are constantly putting yourself down (and have been more resilient in the past), that is a sign that maybe your career could be the cause.

### 6\. You’re not putting the effort in (and your colleagues are noticing)

The most obvious one to spot. Not all jobs are created equal, but it is possible to find some slither of enjoyment in our work, so long as it’s something we’re interested in. Something will inspire us to always give 100%.

I knew it was time to go when I was coming into work each day and half-arsing everything. I just didn’t care anymore.

People noticed. I argued with colleagues when they called me out on my substandard performance. Staff actively avoided me. Nobody wants to absorb that sort of negative energy, and let me tell you; it is a downward spiral that can be hard to escape once you start.

The good news is that your life isn’t over (as I thought mine was). There are other jobs, other paths to explore and a career out there that is undeniably *you.* Will it take time, effort and a great deal of introspection to get there? Absolutely. Is it a terrifying process? Without a doubt.

But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Deciding to leave is the most important step.

Put yourself first.

Photo by [Ian Schneider](https://unsplash.com/@goian?utm%5Fsource=unsplash&utm%5Fmedium=referral&utm%5Fcontent=creditCopyText) on [Unsplash](https://unsplash.com/s/photos/career?utm%5Fsource=unsplash&utm%5Fmedium=referral&utm%5Fcontent=creditCopyText)

---

*Originally published at* [*https://alexdepanama.com*](https://alexdepanama.com/6-signs-change-careers/?ref=alexpanama.com) *on November 26, 2021.*
### Bury The Dead and Move On
URL: https://alexpanama.com/bury-the-dead-and-move-on/
Last updated: 2021-11-15T12:15:53.000Z
Losing a friend can be devastating.

If they were close to us, it is likely that they were an important part of our lives. We celebrated with them, we shared our true thoughts and feelings, and we created memories together. Like any relationship, they lifted us up and gave our life more meaning.

So when that friendship ends, we can often feel lost, empty and deflated. We feel anger not just at the other person for the things they did (or didn’t do), but at ourselves, as well. What if I had said this differently? Should I have reacted this way? What if this was all my fault? Am I damaged?

It is so easy to replay all these events back in your head. It is even easier to place the blame firmly on yourself for what has happened. We often feel like we should keep toxic people around because, if they weren’t there, we wouldn’t have anyone else. Like parasites, we allow them to feed on our happiness, our emotions and our general wellbeing. They often form a grey cloud over us.

What you must remember, however, is that friendships are a two-way street. You are only one half of the deal. You can be the complete package delivered to the wrong address. This rings even more true when you feel like the other person simply isn’t respecting you, your time, or what you have to say.

Your value is not the sum of the friends you have. Your value is based on how you see yourself and what you allow into your life. If you are trying to be open and real with someone close and they always shut you down or make you feel bad and you allow it, what message are you sending to yourself? That this is all you deserve.

That is not true. You deserve so much more. Realise your value and potential and make those tough decisions. Like removing a plaster, it will sting at first, but you will feel so much better after. Life is too short for low-quality companionship.

It is okay to mourn a loss of a friend, too. Take a moment to cherish the good times, but remember that those are now in the past. The present is here and now, and right here and now it is time to find people who add value and emotional nourishment to your world.

While overused, this quote from ‘The Perks of Being a Wallflower’ always rings true to me:

> We accept the love we think we deserve

If you think less of yourself, you will allow lesser people into your life. Accept that you are worthy of so much more, expect so much more from those close to you, and those who see your true value will rise up and have your back.

Photo by [Ian Taylor](https://unsplash.com/@carrier%5Flost?utm%5Fsource=unsplash&utm%5Fmedium=referral&utm%5Fcontent=creditCopyText) on [Unsplash](https://unsplash.com/s/photos/optimism?utm%5Fsource=unsplash&utm%5Fmedium=referral&utm%5Fcontent=creditCopyText)

---

*Originally published at* [*https://alexdepanama.com*](https://alexdepanama.com/bury-the-dead-and-move-on/?ref=alexpanama.com) *on November 15, 2021.*
### Scared to start? Just show up
URL: https://alexpanama.com/scared-to-start-just-show-up/
Last updated: 2021-09-22T17:13:54.000Z
With creating, for many people, the hardest part is getting started.

The ironic part of this is that the thing you want to create is part of your passion. You love making music, writing, or making videos. Yet, you freeze at the thought of beginning the process. We tell ourselves it’s not worth it and continue to stare at our phone screen. Why is that?

One of the main reasons we find it so difficult to start (especially if you’re new to your hobby or craft) is that we convince ourselves that whatever we end up making will be bad. Two hours spent putting pen to paper and you compare yourself to greater, well-established writers. What a waste of time that was, right?

Wrong.

Nobody becomes an expert at what they do overnight. Nobody magically develops their craft with a click of a finger. Nobody lucks out and gets blessed with “natural talent”.

The secret to starting and realising your potential is to show up.

Not only that, but showing up and caring a little less about the result.

You have high expectations. That’s great; they will serve you well. But those high expectations are holding you back from even getting on that ladder and beginning the climb to success. You will come to hate what you do if you continue this way.

The key to getting started is low stakes and low expectations. To get started, you simply need to just **be** with the hobby you love.

### What this looks like

Set yourself a timer. 10–20 minutes is fine.

Take that time to explore your craft. Expect nothing; don’t go into it assuming you’ll write the next big thing or create something that will change the world.

Explore.

If you’re writing, this means, for whatever time you set, you write. Non-stop. It doesn’t matter what you write: thoughts, feelings, a manifesto. If you’re a musician, play. Chords, singular notes. Hell, just strike a note and listen to it ring out.

What’s important is that you show up. That’s the expectation. Nothing more. If the timer ends and you have nothing to show for it, that’s fine. You showed up.

You are already doing better than 99% of others like you.

### Why Showing Up Matters

Simply existing with your passion for a little time each day develops the habit. If the issue is getting started, you need to make it as attractive as possible. Going into it, thinking, “I expect nothing except to write *something* “ lowers the stakes. It lowers the risk of failure, and fear of failure holds us back.

Anyone can show up. Even you.

Showing up is the first step toward something greater. It would surprise you at how many people give up before they’ve even started.

When you want to spend time with friends, you make a rough plan of where and when it’ll happen. Other than that, it’s quite open. Imagine if, when organising this meet up, you expect that you’ll achieve X, or do Y, or speak about Z.

The expectations rise and the inclination to even show up will drop. Nobody wants that pressure in a social situation. Why do we place it on ourselves with self-development?

These low stakes are key to building and becoming better at what you love. You will never improve if you expect perfection every time. Your relationship with your hobby is like any other; it starts by simply spending time together and finding out what works for you.

Start small. Aim high later.

Photo by [Brett Jordan](https://unsplash.com/@brett%5Fjordan?utm%5Fsource=unsplash&utm%5Fmedium=referral&utm%5Fcontent=creditCopyText) on [Unsplash](https://unsplash.com/s/photos/practise?utm%5Fsource=unsplash&utm%5Fmedium=referral&utm%5Fcontent=creditCopyText)

---

*Originally published at* [*https://alexdepanama.com*](https://alexdepanama.com/scared-to-start-just-show-up/?ref=alexpanama.com) *on September 22, 2021.*
### Why Your Inner Voice Is Holding You Back
URL: https://alexpanama.com/why-your-inner-voice-is-holding-you-back/
Last updated: 2021-08-30T21:49:07.000Z
> *“Being successful is, after all, to a critical degree a matter of confidence: a faith that there is no reason why success should not be ours”‌‌*

No matter where we find ourselves in life, we all have a voice inside our head. It’s our way of interpreting the world, as well as ourselves. It’s the voice we use when dissecting our behaviour or appraising our work. You might find yourself speaking to yourself in this way but never really understanding why.

Perhaps you’ve never even wondered. Perhaps, also, you have never considered this; does **everyone** speak to themselves in this way? It’s no secret that those with a more positive view of themselves (and a more positive internal voice) are more successful in achieving their goals.

We are often the first barrier to our own success.

Success comes in many shapes in sizes and won’t look the same for everybody. Success is down to confidence; a faith that there is no reason we should not be able to attain the things we want in life. It’s less “I can’t have this” and more “what if I had this?”.

Many of life’s greatest achievements in history have occurred not just because of technical prowess, but down to the determination of the individual and the will to succeed. Their inner voices never chained them to failure.

So, where does our inner voice come from? Well, it’s not something we are just born with.

### Origins of Our Inner Voice

Our inner voice (or parts of it) was once an external one, internalised over time. It could be the teacher that is impossible to please, the parent or sibling that always berated you for every minor failure, an encouraging friend or supportive ex-partner. It can be both positive and negative.

We assimilate these voices because we hear them frequently over a long period. We associate these voices with truths about our identity. What they must be saying is true; otherwise, why else would they be saying it?

With this in mind, self-mastery (unlocking our true potential) starts with **allowing ourselves** the opportunity to succeed. Nobody will ever be able to critique us if our own internal monologue is preventing us from even starting. We must learn to accept these voices, however they manifest and however they came to be. They will differ between all of us, as a product of our own individual life experiences.

If you have a negative inner voice, it’s time to dive deep, find out where it has come from, and make some changes.

### 1\. Audit Your Inner Voice

The first step towards any meaningful change is to take stock of what we have, where we are, and where we want to be. Part of developing a more positive inner voice is to acknowledge the voice we currently have and why it’s there. Remember, you have the agency and ability to redefine how you talk to yourself. You can do it right now.

You choose your words carefully among friends. Why are you not choosing kinder words for yourself? Where did you ever develop the notion that you are not worthy?

We always have the final say in who gets to sit and eat at our table. If something isn’t serving you, you must work to remove and replace it with something that does. Nobody else will do this for you.

Is the voice that speaks to you negative? If so, you have the power to remove it. Think back to your past; who has spoken to you in the way you speak to yourself previously? Remember that this voice is a product of something in your life. It is not born out of nothing.

Once you’ve identified and audited, it’s time to…

### 2\. Improve The Way You Speak To Yourself

Our current, negative inner voice results from voices we’ve heard over the course of our lives. Replacing them is simple enough; we do so by surrounding ourselves with more positive ones.

Find inspirational, unwavering influences and absorb yourself in their words. It could be a poet whose writing builds you up, or even a friend who is always there for you in times of need. It could be someone you don’t even know very well; what’s important is that their words bring you courage and confidence, if only a small amount.

Critically, though, you need to hear these voices speak regarding tough problems. This way, when you come to these tricky problems again, you’ll have internalised their words, their way of thinking. The more we say things to ourselves, the more they become our own thoughts. Muscle memory works with how we think, too.

If you’re reading this and your immediate response is “no one close to me chooses (and remember, it *is* a choice) to speak to me positively,” well…

It might be time to re-evaluate who it is that eats at your table.

### Exercise (1–2 minutes)

Some quick homework for you.

Next time you catch your inner voice in the act, ask yourself:

1. Is this positive or negative self-talk? Why?
2. Who, historically in your life, may have spoken to you in this way?
3. If it was a negative thought, what would you say to your friend if they expressed this to you about themselves?

**Quote attributions** A Job To Love, The School of Life, p103

---

*Originally published at* [*https://alexdepanama.com*](https://alexdepanama.com/inner-voice/?ref=alexpanama.com) *on August 30, 2021.*
### Leaving Teaching: The Decision and Facts
URL: https://alexpanama.com/leaving-teaching-the-decision-and-facts/
Last updated: 2021-08-10T13:44:54.000Z
Sitting on a bench by the beach, staring blankly at the sea and realising it was all over.

That was the sobering moment. A brief sensation of relief, before the overwhelming feeling of terror; what am I going to do next? That’s the big question on every teacher’s mind when they finally make the decision to leave.

My name is Alex. I’m 31 years old and I have decided to quit teaching. For good.

The DfE’s briefing paper on teacher recruitment and retention (2021, [pdf](https://researchbriefings.files.parliament.uk/documents/CBP-7222/CBP-7222.pdf?ref=alexpanama.com)) shows that, while their recruitment target has been hit for the first time in nearly ten years (30% over target, apparently), **21.7%** of new recruits from 2017 are no longer in the profession. **One in five teachers have left within the first four years of qualifying.** To make matters worse, the five year out-of-service rate for teachers recruited in 2014 (the intake I was a part of) stands at **32.6%**. So, while the government has exceeded their target this year, this will need to continue for consecutive years to accomdate the vast amounts of teachers leaving the profession.

Let me be clear; I don’t believe I have ever been truly happy teaching in the UK. In my NQT year, I was signed off due to stress and prescribed fairly strong antidepressants. My relationship broke down and I shut myself off from everyone who could help. I felt that nobody was able to understand the difficulty I was going through. I had never felt anything quite like it.

Fast forward to 2021, and the decision to leave has never been clearer. It hasn’t been an easy one, obviously; teaching is a very stable career that, as you advance, pays reasonably well. But the stress, hardship and questionable leadership choices made me realise that none of this was worth sacrificing my personal happiness and wellbeing for.

You might then think “well, maybe he was a bad teacher”.

I wasn’t. I’m not. My observation feedback has always been strong, my data always delivered what was asked of me. It’s not the actual teaching part of it that made me want to leave.

It’s everything else. The challenging children who swear and throw things. The abusive parents who feel that you owe them everything. The senior leaders who have no idea what they’re doing, who place unreasonable demands on you and your time. The cult-like culture of some schools, with staff who refuse to see things for what they really are.

Think back to those days when you get home at 7pm, with barely any time left in the day to yourself, only to realise that you have more planning to do, or a stack of 30 books to mark in time for tomorrow’s writing lesson. How many of these days must we endure before we realise that it’s simply unreasonable? How much passive-agressive behaviour from your deputy head should you tolerate before you realise that, if this were a romantic relationship, you would have called it quits long ago and found someone that truly makes you happy?

As teachers, we are made to believe that this is a vocation. That we have signed an oath to sacrifice every fibre of our physical and mental health “for the children”. I cannot, however, help these children if I feel like staying in bed all day would be preferable to going into work.

Teaching is not a “vocation”. It is a job. And no job, however rewarding it sometimes can be, is worth you giving body and soul for. My next few posts in this series will go into my decision to leave in greater detail. Specifically, I will be covering:

1. Culture
2. Leadership
3. Community (parents and children)
4. Workload

But don’t worry, I’ll still be covering my other topics (stoicism, philosophy, mindfulness, productivity), too.

A humourous quote from the retention paper:

> *It is important to note that teachers classed as ‘out of the profession’ at any one date may return*

Stay hopeful, government.

---

*Originally published at* [*https://alexdepanama.com*](https://alexdepanama.com/leaving-teaching-the-decision/?ref=alexpanama.com) *on August 10, 2021.*
### Reframing: Turning a negative into a positive
URL: https://alexpanama.com/reframing-turning-a-negative-into-a-positive/
Last updated: 2021-04-11T20:31:34.000Z
Turning a negative life event into a positive isn’t easy. There will be moments when, just as you start to believe that everything is *finally* going your way, a series of events will commence that send your delicately-built house of cards tumbling. The cards rain down as you watch your ideas float back to where they began; square one.

It can be harrowing. Morale-breaking, in fact. If you’ve invested **everything** into this moment, it can completely crush you.

And that is okay.

What makes us happy, sad, mortified and hurt all, ultimately, comes down to a matter of perspective. If that dream job you wanted just wasn’t meant to be, it can make you feel a sense of worthlessness like nothing else. *I had everything set on getting this job…what now?* What if, though, you changed the way you thought about setbacks?

Setbacks and failures are fantastic opportunities for growth, so long as we perceive them as such. We can break this down into two steps:

1. Not letting failure affect us negatively
2. Reframing the scenario

You require but only one tool for this process; yourself. You can start right now.

### Not Letting Failure Affect Us Negatively

**Marcus Aurelius**, one of the greatest stoics in history, wrote in his journal:

> *It doesn’t hurt me unless I interpret it’s happening as harmful to me. I can choose not to.*

Non-reactivity is a core tenet in the vast majority of modern day mindfulness meditation practice (apps like [Calm](https://www.calm.com/?ref=alexpanama.com) and Headspace). In essence, it is the idea that we do not immediately react to adverse situations we find ourselves in; we stop, take a deep breath, and accept. Stoicism favours this mentality, also. Simply put, if you don’t interpret something happening to you as bad…then you won’t feel hurt/upset. Simple, right?

Understandably, this is easier said than done. The first step, however, in seeing the best in any situation you find yourself in is to simply not see it as a bad situation to begin with. Now, I’m not saying it’s a case of “this awful thing now makes me happy” and…tada! All fixed. There is a degree of nuance involved, to some extent. We ultimately must learn to reprogram ourselves to start seeing the best in everything. To see **value** in places where we used to see none.

### Reframing The Scenario

Which leads us to the how. **Try it out:** When faced with an adverse scenario, reframe it as an opportunity. *“This is a great opportunity to…”*Is your friend 10 minutes late to that coffee you planned 2 weeks ago? Stop focusing on their tardiness. You cannot change the fact they’re late, so why waste your time stressing out over it? Focus on what can be done in the here and now.

**“This is a great opportunity** **to** listen to another 10 minutes of my audiobook”

**“This is a great opportunity** **to** work on my mindful breathing”.

Are you talking to someone new and you feel like they’re talking a lot more than you’d like? Leverage this (and then perhaps find better conversation partners after):

**“This is a great opportunity to** practise my active listening skills”

And finally…the aforementioned loss of a great job.

Not getting that perfect job can sting beyond words, especially if you fell short due to a bad reference or circumstances outside of your control. However, I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Not getting your dream job can certainly sting, but the opportunity to find something even greater, even more rewarding has come your way. And, with your resillience and determination from reframing the loss as a great chance for growth, you will come out stronger and better for it.

Everything is an opportunity, within reason; you just have to reframe how you see it.

### Homework

Ready to develop the skill of reframing? Identify one negative scenario from your day or week and, in your journal, consider one potential way of reframing it into a positive growth opportunity.

Cover photo by Patrick Tomasso via [Unsplash](https://unsplash.com/photos/1NTFSnV-KLs?ref=alexpanama.com)